you own it all

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koolaidclitoris:

OKAY SO LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE SHITTIEST COOKIE RECIPE ON THIS GOD FORSAKEN ROCK WE CALL A MOTHERFUCKING PLANET. So Ghiradelli, who was once a beloved and trusted name in my household, gave a chocolate chip cookie recipe on the back of their chocolate chip bag. Innocent baking fun, right? NO! ASSFUCKING WRONG! I did not deviate from their instructions because I trusted this demon possessed chocolate connoisseur of evil intentions and broken dreams. I HAD THEIR SHIT FUCK EGGS AND THEIR GODDAMN BAKING SODA! BUT IT DIDN’T MATTER! But I was still unaware as I prepped the betrayal dough to be put on the baking shit, like a lamb for slaughter. And I can remember, so clearly, me thinking “ungreased cooking sheet?” BECAUSE IT SAID UNGREASED BUT I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!!! So I placed the balls of soon to be destruction and misery on the sheet and placed them in the oven. and waited. And then when I removed them from the oven THEY WERE MOTHERFUCKING PUDDLES ON THE MOTHER FUCKING PAN. I waited for them to cool, hoping they would come out in one piece and this monstrosity could be saved. But as I raised my spatula to slide the cookies out: pure carnage. IT WAS LIKE THESE ASS SHIT COOKIES WERE WELDED TO THIS SHEET! LIKE IT WAS TRYING TO REMOVE THE FUCKING SWORD FROM THE STONE! No cookie was spared. And this. THIS is what I have to live with now. My once baking innocent is shaddered, and I will never be the same, not since after the war. I can still hear the sound of the spatula scraping the sheet, constantly scraping 

this is the angriest response to cookies i have ever seen

invisiblink:

solanda:

who even

ice ice baby

the noise i just made

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